following meta

I love when things unfold and I can look back with appreciation. Like when Jason came home from work early and reminded me to go to yoga. Like when the kids didn’t barely even protest when I said I was going out to yoga. Usually it’s a struggle for Jason to leave work and be home in time, or for me to pry myself away from the kids, which leaves me questioning my purpose…my search for a breath of “me” time…a breath of peace, when it takes so much effort to get there. But, last night was different, it just went, and worked out perfectly from the start.

I have been working a lot over the years on opening my heart, breaking down barriers, and healing my personal hurts. Doing this work is never easy and in the end I still find myself riddled with things I beat myself up over. Like that I’m not the mother, wife, daughter, sister, aunt, friend, etc. that I want to see myself as. That so often relationships with all of the above plus some go through pitfalls and road blocks and have issues on one or more given days of the year…even if I let those issues stay locked away deep in my heart. And really what it all boils down to…is that I’m not perfect. Yet, I know that instead, I am human…one imperfect, good hearted, unique, insightful human…me.

I don’t know why now exactly, but as I keep mentioning, and most likely will continue to do so as I work through the layers, is that I have been struggling pretty deeply over the past couple of months. However, I don’t find it coincidental at all that it seems to have all started when I started really taking time for myself, to find the space to go within, to meditate, to regularly go to yoga. Working that deep is not always easy, and can stir some stuff up, but once connections are made they can be pretty powerful and full of healing.

Last night, at yoga, we practiced ‘meta’, which means loving kindness…a loving kindness that always starts with the self. It is easy for me to practice loving kindness toward someone I can love easily and get along with seamlessly, like a close friend, but practicing loving kindness toward someone who is suffering or someone who I am in conflict with, or have been in the past…is a whole different story. As I lay in meditation, with my hands over my heart, envisioning a special person in my life who I do not feel at ease with, who I cannot feel or act myself around, who I do not feel has/does offer me unconditional love, someone who I struggle with on a multitude of levels with, yet still love very deeply…the tears started to come. What I instantly understood was that when a person acts out of fear or anger, rather then peace and love…it is only because that person is not loving themselves, whether that be in that moment or life in general. Then I thought, “What about me?!” I very often act out of fear and anger…particularly toward my own children and those I love most. This person, standing in front on me in my mind’s eye, resembled me…a person who struggles to love oneself unconditionally for who I am…mistakes and all.

After each meta practice, these simple words were read aloud:

May I be free from harm.
May I be at peace.
May I be happy.
And my life filled with a certain ease, even throughout any suffering that I may experience.

I strive to fill my life with these four simple things. To me they are/should be an inborn right and given for all living things…the right to be safe, peaceful, happy, and make it through life with a certain sense of ease. I think we all want and deserve these things in life. Yet each step I take to open my heart more and more, up until now at least, something has usually popped up to tell me that I can’t have them…not easily anyways, but why?

When I feel like I’m ready to just blow open my heart, I instantly feel my stomach tighten…protecting myself from feeling hurt again. When I try to manifest peace and happiness, I wonder if I really deserve it. And as for sailing through life with a certain sense of ease…I try, but find it hard to be strong enough at all times to see things this way.

Somewhere along the way I feel like were told (lied to) about how things are supposed to be. I don’t like to feel that fear creep in that robs me of my sense of safety, of well being, of peace, or of happiness. I know I am not alone in experiencing those feelings…we are all human…and these are the human characteristics. Yet, what I know, is that beneath these layers of fears, and wondering, and what-if’s..beneath these layers of human skin…lies something magnificent…a beautiful sentient being…a soul.

My soul is full of peace and unconditional love, It surges and wells up in my heart in times of deep connection. When I feel it, I breath it in deep, wishing it to stay, forever. But then I open my eyes and find myself back in this place we call life. It is here where I know I must continue to work on my human body…my self…to continue to bridge the gap between these two worlds.

The interesting thing about meta, is that you start by loving yourself, and in the end that same love gets returned to you…it comes full circle. During it’s course of travel, that same love has the power to heal others, through our own personal self work. To take it another step out on the spiral of life, it also has the power to heal the past, the present, and the future. It is powerful indeed and full of what I need in my life right now. Not only does this practice, and the act of loving oneself have the power to heal the self, but I believe it has the power to change all of humanity and make our world into the world I wish to see…for my children, and their children, as well as yours.

Meta Practice

Lie in a quiet mediative spot
Breath in and out, in and out, equal breaths
Put your hands over your heart center

Envision in your mind’s eye, a reflection of yourself
Send yourself meta, loving kindness (know that you deserve it)
Breath in and out, in and out, equal breaths

Envision in your mind’s eye, someone whom you get along really well with
Send them meta, loving kindness
Breath in and out, in and out, equal breaths

Envision in your mind’s eye, someone you know who is suffering
Send them meta, loving kindness
Breath in and out, in and out, equal breaths

Envision in your mind’s eye, someone who you are/have been in conflict with
Send them meta, loving kindness
Breath in and out, in and out, equal breaths

Try to feel the love swell up in your heart
Carry it with you throughout your day, week, month, year…your whole life through