Things have been spinning inside and out over the past couple weeks for me. It is the season…for running and rushing and planning…and this year I haven’t been able to get into that part at all. I haven’t really done a single thing other than try as best I could to hold onto a sense of calm for my children’s sake. The Christmas decorations all still sit in their box and I don’t even feel like pulling them out. I feel stuck and as we spiral inward a little bit closer each and every day. I have never felt the symbology and power of the season as much as I do this year as I struggle to see the meaning behind it all.
Things are tight, sometimes so much that it feels suffocating, but then another day comes round with more promise…knowing soon, very soon, there will be just a little bit more light. Light shed on the inside; light shed on the outside. It all affects how I feel right now. Immensely.
If I were focusing more on the crafting and creating and planning and buying…would I be able to mask these feelings of loss right now? Would it all take up enough room so that I wouldn’t have the space to really feel these things surfacing deep within my self? The discomfort, the yearning…for clarity? Would I miss the significance of this transformation that we are all about to witness and experience?
Over the years I have gone from trying to mirror my own Christmas experience as a child, to replacing gifts with simple natural toys, to ones that are handmade, and now? I just can’t but be sinister in my thoughts that tell me that no one needs one single thing this Christmas…no one. Because it all piles up. Things. But I still try to muster on for my children’s sake and for the magic of it all. Though I just find myself depressed in those thoughts, wondering…what does one need anyways?
We are officially losing our home. We got papers from our mortgage company to set up a short sale within the next couple of months a little over a week ago. Basically we have been stuck in the modification process for months, but the low down is that we can’t pay what they want us to. I struggled with the words for awhile. I even shed tears. I couldn’t come here till it all settled within. I guess in a way, I’ve known that it is/has been time for us to move on for some time now. Actually we have been planning/trying hard to manifest it for awhile. We know this is not where we are supposed to be living….with drug deals, shootings, people breaking into our vehicles. Regardless, it is still a difficult concept…one that is taking up way too much of my mental clarity this holiday season.
I haven’t shared much of it…in hopes that we would find the light behind it all before having to go. I guess when you don’t have the answers to all the hows and whys you know you’ll get, it just seems easier to not say anything at all. I didn’t want to worry my parents or friends that would be worried over such news, but here we are. And it just seems silly to hold it all in. That’s not how I work.
We may have found our next foot hold and I have my fingers crossed on a couple things, but right now we wait in a sea of unknown…knowing that it is time to move on…for real. Just not sure to where yet. Patience is hard. Waiting is hard. Letting go is hard. Change is hard. Yet within life, it is in evident. These things just happen whether we want them to or not; whether we deem ourselves ready for them or not. It all makes up a part of our experience as the lessons we came here to live through. And in my opinion, most of those lessons are pretty difficult; pretty painful, yet full of opportunity for growth and new beginnings both within our selves as well as in life in general.
I hear this message in the back of my mind. It’s a voice that tells me that I am so protected. To just let go. Of everything I know to be real. I hear a resounding promise of blind faith, of all encompassing trust. Whatever it is will catch me. It tells me that I am always in the right place. To not worry.
And even though the things I find myself grasping for are things that I do not even want…they are what I know. It is not easy to trust in that voice at all times. To have faith that it will all be okay…always..in ALL WAYS. Deep down I know it will, but that doesn’t make the inner processing any easier. Soon there will be light. That’s all anyone really needs/wants anyways this holiday season. That’s all I ask for anyways. Sometimes it just takes a journey to get there, a pitfall to make one understand, a fire to burn away the things that no longer work and a chance to be rebuilt the future.
“The bird proudly willing to burn,
So that he may live again,
Chooses the flames of fires
That burn the aged Phoenix
The nature stands still
Till a new young bird starts again,
and begins the legend of the Phoenix.”
- Claudian (Roman author)
Just as the phoenix rises from the ashes, I know I can too. Some days I will have hope; some days aren’t very easy; some days I might just feel like crawling in a hole to hide. Soon there will be the solstice…and bright hopeful rays of sun will be flooding my days again. I will try to call on that voice in my head as much as I can. This time of year always gets to me.
{ 23 comments… read them below or add one }
mmmm. Lisa, you are an amazing thinker, an amazing writer.
I am sorry to hear things have come to a head with the house. I wonder if you can find any comfort in the fact that this is happening to so very many people, and losing your home is NOT your fault. And yes, I feel happy for you and your family, knowing that soon, you will have created a new life for yourselves in a new place, a safe place, a place that reflects who you are. Thinking of you SO MUCH right now, lisa. Please, if you feel comfortable doing so, write more about this because, well, there are others (I know first hand!) out there that might benefit from reading your thoughts on this topic. You are going through this with such grace.
I'm a little late in this, Lisa, but I want to let you know that I'm thinking about you and your family as you go through this (unfortunately) all-too-common situation…families should not be losing their homes, ever. Change is very hard and I know you will face it head-on. Thank you for sharing your story. "For every door that closes, another one opens."
Dear Lisa…If only mere words could ease your burden right now…on several occasions you have offered me up such Light and Strength and Beauty! Let this time serve to only strengthen your courage and grace, bringing your family together in knowing that it is truly with each other's love that you make a home. Ahhh, it sounds so trite. I am feeling for you, so much! That light will indeed begin to shine brighter for you! Believe…
xo Jules
Lisa – I'm sorry – we too have many question marks in the next few months and a difficulty in seeing the hope, the grace that will guide us. Maybe we should get coffee and hike and brainstorm!
This was on one of my daily blog reads today, reminded me of your situation, of always finding the possibilities in the difficult times: http://www.improvisedlife.com/2011/12/14/louis-c-…
Lisa, you are such a strong woman. You will walk through this with grace and come out the other side even stronger and wiser. Just breathe on your journey. And don't be afraid to ask for help.
we are all here supporting and loving you and yours. hugs mama. the light is coming and it's going to be beautiful and bright.
I feel like I could have wrote most of this. I too feel this way at this time of year. I want things to be simple while the world seems to offer a never ending supply of 'things' that I do not want and do not want for my children either. I want that peace as well. I wish you and your family peace during this time of uncertainty. Thanks for your heartfelt words. Your posts always uplift and inspire me, I wanted you to know that.
I don't have the words for what I want to say right now, I feel so much after reading that post. I wish that I had something to offer, something to share. What can I do? I'm sending my wish to be right there, to give you a hug, a cup of tea, a walk outside. Imagine those things are coming to you. I know that someone as resourceful, spirited and talented as you will find a way to make it all work, this will be a chapter in the biography of your life, the bit that pays for all the success that is to come. Perhaps the gods are sending you a fresh start, a way of letting go and beginning again. When you cut ties like this you can fly anywhere, you are less limited in many ways. I will be sending solstice wishes your way, hoping the right wind finds you and lands you on the right path.
Change is very hard and very scary. You will move through it and out the other side again but that pressure when you are in the eye of it can be overwhelming. Earlier this year, my home town was hit by a horrific earthquake which destroyed so much of our lives. It was hard living in the aftermath but once we made the decision, to change, to leave, we emerged out the other side different, but happy again. I hope you will be able to find the same.
oh mama. i'm holding peace in my heart for you right now. what a lot of weight you are carrying. you will be in my thoughts as you are walking through this. big hugs and phoenix dreams coming your way.
Sounds like you have been feeling the burden of keeping everything inside…I hope sharing helped you lighten the load a little and maybe writing it all down made it easier to see the light? My thoughts are with you….I hope you find a way to navigate the next few weeks in a way that nurtures all of you….and that a new path reveals itself soon.
Beautiful post, Lisa — I'm so sorry to hear about your house, and that things are hard. I have faith that this deep trust in yourself, your inner knowing, and all that is to come will prevail. Sending you love, and strength, and a big hug.
I love you.
oh lisa… what a hard time for you all and especially this time of year… i hope for you all that this will be a great turning point in your lives and that you are going to find more happiness and security wherever your life takes you next. the important thing is you have your family, health, and each other. you are a wise woman and i'm sure you are processing these feelings you are having in a transformative way. i send you all the strength and courage you will need to get through this.
I'm so sorry to hear that you are struggling and facing the loss of your house. Things are so tight here and it sometimes feels a little bit impossible to face what needs to be done. Thinking of you and your family and sending positive energy-may it all work out for the best in the end, even if it is hard to imagine right now!
That really sucks about your house. Not the best time to have this happening. Sending Love, Kyndale
We, too, have just lost a house. The loss came at the tail end of much bigger losses, a soul mate, a best friend and a mother all gone within months of one another. We are starting over, and it is difficult! So difficult! But some days I think I can actually see the light shining, almost close enough to touch… Keep moving forward! And thank you for so honestly sharing your pain and struggle. That takes courage. May you be blessed by the coming light!
Hugs from Montana- hoping you will find your way.
Which I have no doubt about that you will, reading your words with such resolute.
You seem as if you are half way there -with an open heart and mind.
My thoughts are with you Lisa.
Sending you much strength and hope.
I hope that peace finds you- it is a hard time you seem to be going though. We are in a similar situation, if that helps you feel less alone. Our house, built on land that does not belong to us, is in mid-way build, but still does not belong to us, although we've sweat tears trying to make it ours. We can't afford it, and try as we might making peace with the situation is brutally hard.
Warm wishes, hope and prayers to you.
my thoughts are with you as you and your family find new footing. The light is very often hard to see.
You seem to be going through really hard times. Sometimes life hits us and we have to take the blow, grin hard and force our way into a new path. I love the legend of the phoenix, it is so full of truth and hope. Burning things from the past and moving on to a new life is life itself, it is hope, promises, future. I hope you kindle a bright, merry fire and flame your way to a new life. You've already started doing it and it sounds like you're brave enough to accomplish this. All my thoughts are with you!!